“A Decade Of A Diagnosis” by Caroline Turlington

This content may be triggering to some as it deals with symptoms after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

It is fast approaching a decade since my first hospitalisation for a psychotic episode and my diagnosis with bipolar disorder. It’s a funny thing really because I’m ten years on from my diagnosis and in some ways I don’t feel any different. My thoughts are still preoccupied with how to escape from my life, overdosing and wishing I was dead. I ask myself did I anticipate this? But, thinking about it I’ve lived my life moment to moment for so long preoccupied with thoughts of the past, that the future never really comes into it. Does it make me sad?…. Yes. Why do I have to live this life?…. Does it make me angry?…. No. I’ve learnt that there is not a way out of my life. I can’t change what has happened and I may never be free of these thoughts, but somehow I manage to carry on. Fuelled by not wanting to hurt those closest to me, I manage to live life on the edge of psychosis. Paranoia, depression and anxiety are daily battles that I have to fight. Some days better than others, but I’ve survived a decade so I can make it through the next. One. Day. At. A. Time.

Living the rollercoaster ….

Medications.

Addictions.

Overdoses.

Withdrawal.

Unable to get up.

Unable to go to bed.

Somnolence.

Insomnia.

Full.

Empty.

Weight gain.

Weight loss.

Fat.

Thin.

Happy.

Sad.

Good.

Bad.

Manic.

Depressed.

My bipolar borderline life.



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