15 Things To Leave Behind In 2020

the ultimate guide to discarding your bullshit and putting your mental health first.

image @motherhood.unmastered.

by D’Shonda Brown.

January 1st is not just the start of a new year - it’s the start of a new decade. Thinking about it, where were you ten years ago - mentally, emotionally, spiritually? I ask to assure you that it’s not about where you’ve been or what you’ve been through, but about how you got through it and where you’re going. Find below an all-inclusive guide to conquering this decade and a list to leaving behind everything that is no longer welcomed in your mental filing cabinet.

Mentally Abusive Relationships

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” - is by far the most dismissive statement towards another’s lived experience that I have ever heard. While both physical and mental abuse are awful, it is much easier to diagnose and convict a physical abuser with the naked eye. However, mentally abusive statements and comments create internal damage and self-esteem failure that may not be seen immediately.  Your scars - internal and external - are important and you deserve to heal. Feel through all of the things in 2020 and release any mentally abusive relationship, partner, job, etc. from your life that has caused you any negative thoughts or feelings towards yourself and others.

Toxic Family Members

Alright, now, I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “you can’t choose your family,” right? While that may be true, you can choose how you’d like to interact with them. Your family will always be your family, but toxic family members do not have to be your friends. Don’t feel obligated to go home every year for the holidays to those who cause you stress or unnecessary strife. While I’m not suggesting to completely cut them off, leave them at arm’s length. You can reach out and touch them, but only if you need to.

Emotionally Tasking Sexual Relationships

I don’t know who this one is for - but stop giving attention to people who only want sex from you when you want more from them. It’s not fair to you, your treasure chest or your mental health. We can all agree that sex is great, especially when you scratch that itch that’s been hard to reach for quite some time. However, we need not keep hanging onto the ideology of the ideal partner when they have clearly put you in the fuck buddy zone.

Intake of Media with Negative Connotations

Let’s admit it - “reality” television is a great way to escape the actual reality of the oh so inexplicable beauty of the world we live in today, including the angry cheeto in the white house. Watching the Kardashians argue about where they should buy their new luxury getaway home or watching Lil’ Fizz and Apryl potentially complicate the lives of their children, even more, is entertaining at best. But, have you ever asked yourself how substantial the content that you’re retaining is? People don’t realize that what you consume - especially on a daily basis - becomes a guide for your daily attitude, actions, and approaches to situations that life hands you. Real quick, sis - how many times have you thought about reacting to your significant other the way that someone on Bad Girls Club did for stealing someone’s hot pocket? Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Stigmatization

It’s 2020 - how is it that we can rid ourselves of slut-shaming and all agree that women are just as deserving to be sexually liberated as men, yet we still use words like “crazy” and “loco” to describe someone with a mental illness. For a while, I was afraid to admit that I was seeking professional help for my mental health because I didn’t want to be labeled as “too sensitive” or “cry baby”. The reality of it is that I was sad all the time and didn’t know why - but that doesn’t make me any less of a being. Let’s leave stigmas of mental health, illnesses, and disorders in 2010s. After all, look at what they did to Jesus. We often fear what we don’t understand.

That Job That Makes You Miserable

Money doesn’t make happiness, but it can help you to craft the lifestyle that has the potential to build your happiness. However, this is no excuse to stay at a five or six-figure job that makes you dread the next morning up until Friday at five o’clock. You’re talented and an asset to any team that you’re part of, but this doesn’t mean that you have to join every team that picks you. If you’re not happy at your current job, be prepared to use this season to shift into your true potential. As I always say, take a leap of faith and pray you land on a mattress.

Excuses For Not Taking Care Of Your Physical Health

Raise your hand if you genuinely love going to the gym. I thought so. You do know that being physically fit doesn’t have to include dumbbells and bench presses, right? Your mind, body, and soul need to be aligned with one another in order to live your best possible life as a 2020 Sad Girls Club member rising from the ashes. Yoga, dance classes and kickboxing are hot ways to stay in shape, but your nutrition and daily intake are important as well. In other words, we don’t have to stand in line for the Popeyes’ chicken sandwich every week for lunch and we don’t have to always have a glass of wine every single night— a glass of Chardonnay on a Friday night with the girls never hurt anyone though.

image @motherhood.unmastered.

Negative Thoughts

There is only one person who can hear your thoughts besides yourself - nobody. As humans, we can be our number one fan or our number one foe, but we have the power to shift and steer our thoughts the direction in which they should go. Talk to yourself the way in which you would address a bully that you’ve had enough of - enough is enough, you don’t own me and I’m tired of living my life by your design. Take back control of your mind and fill your mind with positive thoughts and affirmations that you deserve.

Inviting Everyone Into Your Mental and Physical Space

I like to refer to my mind as a file cabinet - a standard, $34.99 file cabinet found at Staples for an ordinary rented out office space. While a file cabinet looks pretty large and spacious at first, once you begin to fill it with documents, slips that need your signature, papers you’ve been meaning to throw out, memos, etc., you run out of room quicker than you thought. Treat your mind, body, and soul as a file cabinet. Leave room for the important documents and always make a note of those that take precedence over another. My mental health is more important than any job I will ever have. With that being said, that memo no longer has space in my file cabinet - whereas I may be able to put it on my desk and address it at a later date. Keep your mental file cabinet clear, organized and arranged to the design that you’ve created.

Fear Of Being Alone

Just because you’re alone, that doesn’t mean that you’re lonely. Being alone is a physical state while loneliness is emotionally and mentally driven. The idea of dating myself turns me on because I know that I am dependent upon myself. Toss away the fear of hanging out with yourself and embrace some quality time with you. Take yourself out to that restaurant you’ve been dying to try, or head to the mall and try on those pair of jeans you’ve been eyeing for a while. Look on the bright side, at least you won’t take yourself for granted.

Saying “Yes” To Everything

Imagine yourself as an intern at your dream corporation or the personal assistant to one of your idols. You want to seem eager, attentive and irreplaceable.  You want to attend all of the meetings, take all of the notes, make all of the coffee runs and do all of the administrative tasks perfectly while also crafting this new product pitch that you’ve been working on since you’ve walked in the door. You’ve agreed to have a solid presentation done by the end of the week for your personal project while agreeing to pick up your boss’ morning coffee, scan all of the newspapers for relevant cycle content for social media, answer the phones, and attend all of the meetings. My question to you: how do you do it all? My answer for you: you don’t. It’s virtually impossible for one person to do absolutely everything asked of them without assistance or dropping the ball somewhere. My advice to you, Sad Girl, is to tell someone that the ball is too heavy and you may need to sit it down or hand it over to someone to hold for a while. The last thing you want to do is drop the ball on your own foot or pass out from exhaustion.

Pushing People and Opportunities Away

I get it, you’re afraid of being rejected, but don’t push away an opportunity before it has even been presented to you. Don’t turn down that job interview because you’re afraid that you won’t be able to succeed. Obviously, the team saw something in you if they wanted to bring you in, right? Don’t make your new romantic partner pay for what the last jackass did to you. Just because they couldn’t stay loyal, doesn’t mean that all people are alike. You deserve to have trust in someone and have faith that things will go your way. Don’t push away people and opportunities in the sheer anticipation that you may get hurt. Pain and rejection are inevitable, but it’s how we cope that will allow us to build upwards.

Irresponsible Spending Habits

Shopping sprees are great and all, but not when you have no idea how you’re going to pay your gas bill after spending money on a pair of Uggs you didn’t really need. Yes, you should absolutely treat yourself - but within reason. Sales come and go - look at Fashion Nova. There’s literally a sale every day; I promise that you won’t miss a thing if you don’t checkout today. In 2020, download some dope apps like Mint, Level and YNAB to keep track of your personal finances so you won’t have to scramble for your car note money, again. The struggle is real, but it’s also optional. Choose the latter.

Not Putting Yourself First

As women, we are so eager to be the best daughter, mother, sister, wife, girlfriend, niece, best friend, but when was the last time you focused on being the best you? When was the last time you asked yourself how YOU were doing? Here’s a better one - are you okay? I challenge you to take the time needed to care for, love on, and check-in with yourself as much as possible. I am the CEO of Taking Care of Others’ Needs Before My Own, Inc. and almost every month, I find myself going bankrupt. I can’t pay off my debt if I’m always taking care of others. I can’t save someone else if I, myself, am drowning. Put yourself first and save others later. You’ll thank yourself for it when you find that easier to breathe again.

The Fear Of Starting Over

When I went away to college down in Georgia, I was excited to bid New York and all of its drama farewell - but I had a hard time grappling with the idea that I had friends that did not think like me. As someone who loved to travel and explore new things, I felt this overwhelming sense of guilt and pressure that I was leaving friends, family, and my significant other behind because I wanted to do what was best for me. A word to the wise - sometimes hitting restart on your computer is the fastest and most efficient way for your computer to fully update the way it’s meant to. While there is a risk that some files may be lost and you may have to manually reopen a lot of your old tabs, your computer will be up-to-date and ready to take on whatever project you have in store. It’s okay to hit restart and recharge your own battery.

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D’Shonda Brown is a full-time freelancing publicist, writer and public speaker located in New York City. She has served as a public relations freelancer and social strategy consultant for Silence The Shame, 360 Gateway Brands, Access NKC, Playbook Media Group and Whose Your Landlord to name a few. In 2019, D’Shonda became Mental Health First Aid Certified for adults and children and graduated from the Advocacy Ambassador Program by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. She feeds her passion as a writer and journalist by serving as the podcast host for Gyrl Wonder Podcast, lead writer for America Hates Us, #SHOPBLACK columnist for The Rap Fest and the newest contributing writer to join the team at Sad Girls Club.