How Not to Lose Yourself In Your Relationship
Although, it’s okay to get a little lost in love.
Image Credit: @Courtsyy
by Ayanna Crawford.
I’ve had my fair share of relationships, and all of which have umm…ended. I might consider myself to be romantically challenged. And although, meeting and connecting with someone isn’t the issue, my nagging fears of letting go of my delicious singleness just makes me lose my shit. It’s the “stuff’ that comes after you’re tied down with bae. Ya know, going out on dates, texting, and those heart to hearts that get you opening up about your past. It all just gets my emotions wadded up and makes me cringe a little.
So, as I go into this winter season bae-less, I decided to source women who actually know the game and gamble of dating and relationships. Tracy McMillan, the Instagram relationship therapist we’ve all been looking for, is all about maintaining self-love both within and outside of relationships. Peep her moving Ted Talk on the subject. Anywho, I came across her post about implementing a ‘relationship plan’ during the beginning stages of a relationship. Her plan consists of 3 steps:
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Setting Boundaries Upfront
Balance the time you spend with both yourself and your partner alone
Hold up on falling head over heels too soon
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A relationship plan is basically creating a schedule for both you and your partner. Think about choosing to see one another twice a week (assuming you don’t live together), or try talking to and texting each other three days out of the week.
As I look back on past romantic relations I’ve had, a relationship plan would have done more good than harm for sure. And for the folks who are just starting out, for one, happy love to you and the new bae. Second, it’s not too late! A wise person once told me that there are three important parts of a relationship— you, your partner and the relationship itself. If you neglect any of the three, the whole situationship might eventually fall apart.
Of course, I was told this after I had just broken up with my boyfriend, but it made me realize that I had completely abandoned what’s most important to me— self-care. Mostly because I was tending to my partner’s and my relationship needs so much, that I neglected my own.
How could my partner or my relationship be happy and healthy if I wasn’t?
What tends to get lost in the relationship fray are all the desirable things we once loved to do and made us feel good. Instead of putting ourselves third in the relationship trifecta, let’s put ourselves and self-care first. I really doubt sticking to your meditation, having time to yourself to read a good book and keeping up with those massage appointments will ruin things with bae.
All in all, dear ones, allow your partner to do for you for a change. No one’s saying you have to be a damsel in distress by any means, but everything isn’t always up to you. The same way you have that slightly overzealous, irrational need to do all the things for your partner, they should also have a need to do for you.
Remember is this— You can’t be good to anyone else if you’re not good to yourself!