The "Hopeless": Debora C.
I thought I was in a quiet minority of “people who don’t date”.
Courtesy of Debora C.
By Debora C.
My podcast, “The Hoe and The Hopeless” started off as a fun thing to do with my friend Kia, but it’s quickly transformed into so much more. In our podcast, I speak about the challenges I have dating. As listeners tune in digitally, I’ve noticed that women are beginning to share more of their dating life with me in real life.
“Let me just say this: I have never had a boyfriend. Like, ever ever.”
Up until Kia and I started the podcast, I thought I was in a quiet minority of “people who don’t date” but the more people I talk to, the more I recognize how common it is. The fact is, being single is not normalized. As a woman, if you’re not in a relationship then you must be secretly pining to be in one. The label “single” can easily eclipse any other accomplishment that you garner. On top of that, you’re supposed to keep your dating history shrouded in mystery so being single can often feel like an isolating experience. Because of all of this, “single” can quickly become synonymous with being hopeless.
Let me just say this: I have never had a boyfriend. Like, ever ever. And I say this for the women who might be in the same boat and need comforting reassurance. And even as I open up about this, I find it embarrassing. Whenever I get cornered into admitting it, I find that my usually boisterous voice becomes small. This fact is particularly difficult for me to admit because as a Black woman, you're expected to have it all together and without the significant other, you must be incomplete.
Whenever I go to family functions, the first question my aunts ask me is “Kote mennaj ou?” (“Where is your boyfriend?” in Haitian Créole) and after I tell them I don't have one, I am stuck in a prayer circle with women shouting that they hope I find my future husband soon. For a long period of time, the pressure to date weighed on me so heavily that I began to get crippling anxiety which left me uninterested in dating. My friends would tell me to not take dating so seriously, to just have fun, but how could I when every bad date just meant that I would spend more time feeling incomplete?
Through a lot of personal growth and discussion, I’ve begun shedding those stigmas and I can now look at being single as an opportunity for personal growth. Whether I’m actively going on dates, hooking up or neither- I am always trying to better myself and shift my perspective on being involved with someone else is simply another vehicle to do that.
But here’s the truth-truth: Yes, I have never-ever had a boyfriend, but I do have a passport full of stamps from places I never thought I'd visit. I also have a strong yoga practice that never betrays me and I have clients who allow me to be self-employed. From a community of friends and family who constantly look out for me, to my podcast that has allowed me an opportunity to express my feelings, I can assure that I am enough and ever-evolving.
And although I believe that women should consider themselves to be complete on their own, there's nothing wrong with desiring a partner. The same shame that tells women that they shouldn't be single, tells women that it's sad to desire a relationship. I do know that when I find a partner, I will be able to offer so much because I’ve taken the time to learn about my needs and values. But most of all, I know that no matter my status, I will never be hopeless.
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Kia and Debora are two black women who live in Philadelphia. On their comedic podcast “The Hoe and The Hopeless” they speak about dating in the city, past sexual experiences, mental/sexual health and whatever they feel like that day. You can listen to It on Soundcloud and find them on Instagram.
Courtesy of The Hoe & The Hopeless