You're Not Emotionally Ready For A Relationship and Here's Why
it’s possible that you may just enjoy the idea of a relationship and being #goals on Instagram and reshaping your wants into needs.
image @briannepatrice.
by D’Shonda Brown.
I am willing to bet what’s left in my savings account - which isn’t much - that the most searched keyword or phrase in February is “Valentine’s Day”, which makes sense. However, while a lot of us are here gawking over the idea of going on a candlelit dinner and a moonlight walk with our imaginary bae, how many of us have ever taken the time to recognize whether or not we actually want to be in a relationship. You’re probably thinking, “of course I do, I know what I want,” and you may be right, but how well do you actually know what you want? It’s possible that you may just enjoy the idea of a relationship and being #goals on Instagram and reshaping your wants into needs. Here are some signs that this may not be the right time for you to jump into a relationship this Valentine’s Day season.
Your Trust Issues Drive You Insane
When you two are in the “talking stage” also known as the Generation Z Guide to Casually Dating Non-Exclusively, it’s cool to follow each other on social media, view their stories and like a few posts. However, it is NOT cool to fall down the rabbit’s hole of stalking the girl he was seen taking a selfie with at a friendly group dinner. You’re not going to function well in any relationship with your potential partner if you don’t trust that they’re telling the truth about their whereabouts, the company they keep and/or their true intentions. Especially as two human beings who are getting to know each other and assessing whether or not a long term relationship would be the best route to venture on, there’s no reason as to why you shouldn’t give this person the benefit of the doubt. Don’t drive yourself insane on the preconceived notion that your partner is going to play you, is out talking shit about you, or is lying to you. You’re then just creating a toxic foundation for a relationship that’s going to crumble within itself. And that ain’t it.
You Don’t Love Yourself As Much As You Think You Do
I love me. I think the love I have for myself is the best thing to have ever happened to me because I am now able to walk - nay, strut - into my purpose with a strong sense of self-awareness, self-respect, and confidence. (Basically, I’m just a badass bitch). I wasn’t always like this though. Just a few short years ago, I thought my life was meaningless and no one would miss me if I were to go away. Loving oneself takes time and isn’t just a popcorn method. Growing to love yourself means acknowledging that you’re worth more than you’re receiving and that you give what you feel people deserve. Loving yourself means putting your mental and emotional health before any relationship, any job, any friend AND any family member. Loving yourself means loving your own company and recognizing that being alone isn’t synonymous to loneliness.
For me, loving myself is equivalent to taking myself out to the movies, keeping away from the toxic bullshit and reminding myself that I am a blessing to myself and others every chance that I can get. Saying, “I love you” to yourself every now and again is a great first step, but meaning it is a horse of a different color. Practice what you preach. If you don’t love yourself before stepping into a new relationship, you’ll be seeking love and validity from an inconsistent variable in your life - a romantic partner. They come and go, but your existence and your mental health are here to stay. Take care of yourself and love on you then watch that energy be translated back into your romantic relationships.
You’re Not The Person You Want To Be...Yet
A wise man once said, “life is amazing, it is what it should be”. You can always count on Drizzy for a good one-liner. I can honestly say that in my 20s, there has not been a single day where I’ve had 100% of what I want to accomplish in life. At 24 years of age, I have prepared myself for the remainder of my 20s to be obstacles, triumphs, highs, and lows, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m not in a good space. Mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, I am in a phenomenal space - which equips me to be the person that I am and transform into the person that I want to be. About three years ago, I was in a relationship and I brought everything that I could to the table - love, light, confidence, affection. It was a whole buffet of me exerting all of this positive energy into the relationship because I was at a good place in my career, my social life and financially and he was not. I noticed that my then-boyfriend couldn’t give me the same in return. His lack of confidence caused his insecurities to trickle down into our relationship.
Needless to say, we ended up letting each other go shortly after. We came to the realization that we were not in a place where either of us could give each other what the other really needed. Relationships are wonderful, but if you’re not where you want to be in life, whether that means a college graduate, a full-time executive or a fire chief, your mind will begin to weigh on you because you will feel as though you are operating from a place of lack. Become the person you want to be and you will be able to fully pour into all of your relationships.
Your Expectations Are Too High
What better example for this bullet point than Valentine’s Day, right? If you two are just, dare I say, “talking,” it’s not fair of you to put unnecessary stress and pressure on your partner to go all out for you. There’s a difference between knowing what you deserve and setting your expectations to an irrational bar. If you’ve only been talking to them for three months, you can’t necessarily expect them to pull off something that you’ve seen in John Tucker Must Die, The Notebook or Love & Basketball - that’s the easiest way to be disappointed. While it may be true that some may surprise you if you keep this unrealistic notion of them always outdoing themselves every single time— you’ll find yourself living in constant disappointment. Finances, family, stress and medical emergencies can always get in the way, but above all of this, it’s important to remember that you can’t expect the fuck buddy to be a spouse if you’ve already made it clear that you’re comfortable just doing fuck buddy shit. Partner privileges should come with the partner title. If you want it, ask for it. And if you’re unable to, this may also be a sign that you are unable to effectively communicate and that my friend, can lead to trouble.
You Begin To Lose Yourself In Your Relationship
Who here has that friend that you only see or speak to when their relationship is off-season? Insert hand-raising emoji here. I can say that at least 3 to 4 out of 5 readers empathize with this last one because of one or two things: either you know someone who used to be like this, or YOU were/are this person. This doesn’t just mean dropping your plans at the hint of a text message from your significant other, but it can mean beginning to mold yourself into something you’re not. When you get around his friends, do you act differently? Do you dress differently around him, not because you want to dress up on your own, but because you think that’s the kind of girl HE likes? It’s one thing to be agreeable, but it’s another to take on a whole new persona. Don’t change yourself because of something you think that the other person likes. If they’re dating you, then they’re dating you FOR YOU. I love sweatpants and sneakers - unless we’re going to the Ritz Carlton for brunch, that is what my boyfriend will always get from me. Even at the Ritz, I’ll always bring some slides in my bag. Losing yourself is a sign that you didn’t have a tight enough grip on your identity, to begin with.
Let’s get a grip, sis!
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D’Shonda Brown is a full-time freelancing publicist, writer and public speaker located in New York City. She has served as a public relations freelancer and social strategy consultant for Silence The Shame, 360 Gateway Brands, Access NKC, Playbook Media Group and Whose Your Landlord to name a few. In 2019, D’Shonda became Mental Health First Aid Certified for adults and children and graduated from the Advocacy Ambassador Program by National Alliance on Mental Illness. She feeds her passion as a writer and journalist by serving as the podcast host for Gyrl Wonder Podcast, lead writer for America Hates Us, #SHOPBLACK columnist for The Rap Fest and the newest contributing writer to join the team at Sad Girls Club.