Letting Go To Make Room
i wanted to make space so I had room to live my life with clearer intention, laughter, and healing.
image @hayleyroseyoga.
by Ayanna Redwood-Crawford.
If you’re anything like me, you ask the universe for assistance in times of crisis...then immediately forget what you asked for. Last year, I found myself feeling “stuck” and emotionally exhausted. I knew something had to change but I wasn’t sure where to start. So, in a moment of genius, I asked the universe to allow everything that didn’t serve me to let me go. I didn’t know immediately after that ask I would lose a relationship, a friendship, and even my job! I also didn’t know that in exchange I would receive something invaluable: the space to heal and grow. Now, I sort of consider myself an Expert In Loss (I title I made up) and have some insight into how even though loss can be painful, it can sometimes be a blessing.
Me: Ugh, I know I have to make some changes but it’s hard. I need help!
Universe: Hold my beer.
Losing A Relationship
Breaking up sucks. Always. Even if it’s amicable and you both decide to be “friends”. In my case, my relationship was merely a symptom of me settling with being less than happy in general. When you’re in that place, you tend to make questionable choices that only support the status quo. Which means, I subconsciously chose a person who wasn’t right for me… on purpose. Yikes! When we broke up I was at a loss. How else was I supposed to ignore the work I had to do on myself if I couldn’t give most of my attention to my boyfriend’s b*llshit? Without having an outside force unto which I could place blame for my unhappiness, I was forced to take a good look at why I chose him in the first place. And why I stuck around as long as I did.
Whenever a relationship ends with a toxic (or toxic-adjacent) person, it’s normal to place blame. You can totally vent to your friends about how much your partner sucked (if they did) and continue on the traditional relationship grieving route. However, it’s actually the best time for introspection, breaking patterns and refining what you want and need from a partner in the future. This is also the best time to ask yourself this: What did your relationship provide you that you couldn’t provide for yourself? If it’s love, acceptance, security, confidence, etc - 10 times out of 10, you can absolutely provide those things on your own! Now you have the space to start working on it. This time in your life is a gift! Honor it.
Losing A Friendship
For a lot of people, losing a friend can be way more painful and emotionally taxing than losing a romantic partner. That makes a lot of sense when you think about it, we tend to be way more vulnerable and emotionally available with our friends. So when that friend goes away it feels like a huge chunk of ourselves goes right out the door with them. I’m all for fighting for a good friendship if you’re considering ending it over something silly like miscommunication. This could be an opportunity to talk it out.
In my case, I lost a good friend right after my breakup. The emotional exhaustion was so real but underneath it all I felt a strange sense of freedom. I could feel my life start to shift into a positive direction, mostly because I wasn’t forcing myself to feel worse about an already unfortunate situation. Again, I looked inward. What was I gaining from that friendship that I couldn’t give myself? Was I good enough friend to myself? These are pretty tough questions if you commit to figuring yourself out. Ultimately, this significant loss gifted me the opportunity to become an even better friend to myself.
Here’s the thing, whether your friend is old or new or if the friendship ended due to a huge fight or it just fizzled out - all of this is natural! Sometimes, people evolve in different directions. Sometimes the people you evolve into are no longer compatible. That’s okay! I mean, it sucks, but you may not need each other for the next phase in your lives. People come and go for a reason, but ultimately, the loss of a friendship makes room for a new soul connection with someone who will be more compatible with the person you’re evolving into.
Losing A Job
Last but certainly not least, throughout all of this upheaval I was spending 40-50 hours every week at a job that did not fulfill me in any way. During the last few months there, I would fight to get out of bed and out the door in the morning, I resented the work I was doing and my anxiety was through the roof. You see, my taking the job in the first place was another symptom of sticking to the “status quo” of a low- grade, unfulfilled life. Even though I felt stuck I thought the worst thing I could do was leave. Leaving would be irrational, I had no plan! Staying, it turns out, was the irrational choice. That’s when the worst thing I could do turned out to be the best. I started on a plan for my exit. Of course, I was still worried. I worried that I would just take any job to pay the bills and end up right where I left off, I worried that I was being selfish and unrealistic, I worried that I would put myself in a tough spot financially. But despite all that, I just said: “f*ck it”. PLOT TWIST: I went in on Monday planning to give my two weeks on Wednesday. On Tuesday, I was laid off with a great severance package. It took everything inside me not to give my boss a huge hug.
I know this isn’t always possible for everyone to do - to decide to just up and leave a job. There are many reasons why people feel unfulfilled in their work or are just straight up unhappy there. It’s easy to say we need to stop normalizing the reality that people are actually depressed because of work, but capitalism is real and a lot of folks aren’t earning enough to not live paycheck to paycheck. I do want to say this though, the universe doesn’t reward one choice and punish another. It supports whatever you choose. So if you decide to choose yourself, you will be supported. Choosing yourself is scary! Especially if it’s not something you do regularly. But it is always worth it. Even though I was unsure of my next step after leaving my job, all I felt was freedom and I’ve been supported ever since. Here I was, yet again, with the gift of more space. Space that I could fill with whatever I wanted.
My season of loss was inspiring as hell. It drove me to declutter my physical space, unfollow some accounts and delete some contacts out of my phonebook. Why hold on to what I don’t need? I wanted to make space so I had room to live my life with clearer intention, laughter, and healing. I wanted daydreams of future wins and perfect haircuts. I wanted a whole me represented not only in my mirror but also in my mind and in my home. I wanted to get to the work of living and creating in such an enthusiastic way that I’d forget the days when I was too afraid to take the first step forward. So, yea I threw a lot of things away - fear of letting go and saying goodbye went right into that pile. I have all this space now! I’m making room for the curated new and I welcome it all. If you’re going through your own season of loss, I hope you’re able to welcome newness too.
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Ayanna Crawford is a freelance writer & editor based in New York City and is the Assistant Editor for Sad Girls Club . When she isn’t writing about wellness & the female experience, she’s usually telling a story or writing one.