Why You Probably Shouldn't Ghost Your Therapist

Because really, it could hurt you just as much as it hurts them.

Image credit: @healhaus

by Cai Subijano.

If I’d been able to access a therapist from the palm of my hand when I was in high school, I’m pretty certain I’d be a much more well-adjusted adult today. I’m also certain that I’m not the only one who feels this way, especially since the 2016 year elections.

For young people especially, it’s easy to see the appeal of apps like BetterHelp and Talkspace: They’re unintimidating, easy to use, and way more affordable than conventional therapy. However, one thing that I’ve discovered with services like these is that they also make it very easy to ghost your therapist and replace them with another one—it’s practically built into the app settings.

Risa Lenney, who’s been a Licensed Social Worker (LCSW-R) for 28 years and is a Board-Certified Therapist (BC-THP) agrees. “Ghosting in online therapy happens much more than with in-person therapy. It is easier to just disappear online,” she observes.

“Often, people ghost when there are things they don’t want to work on and instead of saying they don’t want to work on them, they leave. Or, they fear how the therapist [might] react to something so instead of finding out, they leave,” she adds.

Perhaps one way to approach this conversation would be to revisit the expectations you had at the beginning of therapy. Risa advises asking yourself the following questions: Do you feel you have gotten the most you can out of therapy? Have you developed the coping skills you’ve wished to learn? Have you talked about all the issues you feel are important and which brought you to therapy?

Also, like with any service, it’s helpful to review what you like and don’t like about your therapist’s practice. Sometimes, an honest conversation about this could greatly improve the quality of your therapy service. “Therapists are human and don't do everything right either. What if the therapist tended to follow-up too much and it left the person feeling pressured? A quick note, and they could back off and let the person lead,” Risa says. “I have lost a person by suggesting homework when they clearly didn't want that, and they fired me. It happens. I learned from that.”

However, if you’ve had this heart-to-heart with your therapist and still don’t feel that things are improving, then it really might be time to move on. Once you’ve made that decision, Risa believes that it’s best not to beat around the bush: “I would bring it up at the beginning of a session, not at the end. The best way to bring it up is to say, ‘[I am] going to stop therapy now. Thank you for your help. If I need you again, I will reach out.’”

By saying this at the beginning of your session, you can create an opportunity for you and your therapist to reflect on your progress together. “At the end of therapy, the best practice is to talk about the gains made. [What are] the challenges they started with and how they are doing now? [A therapist] might point out that when they started, [their patient was] unable to leave the house without anxiety and now, they are working and going out with friends,” Risa says.

“[They] could talk about the track that led them there, like exposure therapy, mindfulness, breathing exercises; and healthy coping skills, like exercising, eating in a more healthful way, setting a regular sleep schedule, and being open about [their] feelings with partner rather than hiding [them].”

Not only is this a nice way to see how far you’ve come, but it’s also like allowing your therapist to pack up this emotional toolkit for you before sending you on your way. If you ghost your therapist, these are the kind of benefits that you could be missing out on.

“Ghosting is almost seen as avoiding. It impedes progress because the person [stops] working on something. [The work] stays where it was left. Finding a new therapist is good, but then they’d have to start the process all over again. Do this enough times and a person stays stuck,” Risa stresses.

“[Therapists] are here to help and a good therapist will not fight you on leaving,” Risa emphasizes. “They will realize you that have reached the maximum benefit. It is always an honor to be allowed into someone's life and I always treat it that way.”

Risa Lenney has been an online therapist on BetterHelp since 2015. For more information, you may view her profile here.